Tuesday, September 14, 2010

and it changes my life...

It's been about 3 months since I wrote anything. I wanted to update this blog in July after my birthday but have been procrastinating. Yes I turned 26 and is very much looking forward to really push myself to work my dreams, work my ways towards things. Just as I was in the gear, my life when to a big pause.

It all happened with a phone call from Mum at about 4.30am Aussie time, that woke me up. I remember I was so tired from work and I dozed off, sleeping early, forgotten to switch off the lights to sleep. Then, I was waken up by a call. When I was about to pick it up, it turned into a miss call from an unknown caller. I suspected it could be someone from home, so I sms-ed my mum, " Mum, did you call me?" Then the phone rang again, in a crying voice, Mum said, " Inn, Ah Ma left already." In the midst of half-awake mode, I immediately broke into tears, in disbelief. Mum continued to ask me to arrange my way back home while my tears keep flowing down my cheek and when we hang up, I cried. I still had to contain myself to call my bro and cousins in Melb to send the bad news and arrange for all of us to rush back home. That morning onwards, my whole heart just sunk.

My dearest grandma left us on 27th August 2010 at 2pm, Malaysian Time at Pantai Cheras Hospital. She was admitted to the hospital on the 8th August 2010 and had been having ups and downs conditions that make it so unpredictable that she would leave us. I had instinct that I should have been back but I didn't make that move. I was waiting for my parents to tell me either she's getting better or come back now to see her but, I did not get to say my last goodbye..

When I walked in to her funeral parlour, seeing her in her casket, I cannot believe that the last time I saw her was my last time. I still could remember that I came back for my friend's wedding and made time to go and visit her as often as I could. She would make sure Suthi, the maid cook my favourite meehoon soup for me. She would chat with me about everything from getting a boyfriend to where I want to travel. She would hold my hands and tell me about her old stories of when she first came to Malaya and all. And now, she is lying peacefully and I will never get to hear her speak again.

Throughout the funeral ceremony and prayers, flashbacks of her keep replaying in my head, I keep hearing her call my name. Every time I think of her, my tears starts rolling down my cheek. The once very strong girl that never really break down in front of others, actually was very weak at this very same time. I keep going to the casket to see her face and I wanted to talk to her, want her to respond to me but I know she's gone for good.

The hardest part was when they are closing the casket, the point that you know you would not see her face, body and the whole of her as a person anymore. I witnessed even my dad, teared as I believe it is hard to accept that his mum is leaving him forever too.

It's been 3 weeks since she left and every time anyone mentioned about her, I would sit there silently again. On the 7th day after her death, as Chinese believed that her spirit would return to visit, I was hoping she would appear in my dream. In fact, I think I felt her presence next to me just like how I used to sleep next to her when I was young.

After so much thoughts and chats with dad and mum, I realised that I have been the closest grandchildren to her. In fact, I think I was the only one she took care of for the longest time and the only one that she caned before. I was the only one that seen her cry as she talked about her difficult times.

So, in her remembrance, I would gather all her stories together and hopefully able to tell her stories to my children. I would always remember her and will always look up to her as my role model for life.

Ah Ma, I really missed you and I will love you forever. May you rest in peace and is happily with Grandpa now.

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